Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Turning 30... am I this cliché?
Writer's block creeps up when I am afraid to write about what is going on in my head. Who is reading this? Am I going to upset my friends, my family, or regret clicking publish?
So I stop writing probably when I need to be writing the most. I started this blog in the process of pulling myself out of postpartum hell, and I used the blog to escape into a happier world. I found anything good or funny about my day I could cling to. I stopped blogging when I felt like I didn't want to paint pretty pictures, and waited until I could tell my story.
Some days, I am not even sure where this blog is going and so I created tabs to help people deal with their human desire to put everything into nice neat black and white categories. I was born grey, so this is really hard for me. This post fits under life uncensored, meaning I will write about whatever I want here, and I am not going to apologize for it.
My 30th birthday is 5 months away, and a lot has hit. It is hitting me hard and I hate being cliche and ordinary. It isn't about the number, it is about me and what I made of 30, before I was even close to being 30. I had my entire life planned out and by 30 I expected to be grown up. So it isn't the number that I am having issues with, the issue I am having is with myself. Not me as a mother, a wife, a yoga instructor, a doula, a two time college graduate, a business owner, a stay at home mom, a volunteer, a daughter, a sister, a friend, it is about simply raw naked me and how I woke up and realized in an attempt to be the best for everyone else, I am rarely the best for me. I realized I am not honoring myself or my life, and that I am not living wholeheartedly.
After having children my worst fear has become being selfish. I recently realized there is one major flaw with that; being to selfless. You can truly do so little for yourself that you become very unhealthy. If I don't live my life wholeheartedly, then how can I teach my children to? If I don't state my beliefs, my values, my errors, what I love, who I am, if I don't create a solid strong voice and teach them that I am not afraid to be different, to be genuine, to be me, then I have failed to teach them it is ok to be yourself and live your life fully.
So I am writing this blog, to make a commitment to myself. I will not put myself last. I will not live my life fake and in fear. I am taking action. I am rewriting my life "plan" and leaving some spaces blank to be filled in by the experiences along the journey.
So for the next 5 months I am challenging myself to grow. To remember to be thankful that I wake up every morning breathing, but to be accepting of the fact that that isn't good enough anymore. Mediocrity and fear need to get the fuck out of my life because they are no longer serving me, and they never made me happy. I want to spend less time in my comfort zone, and more in the space where I grow and am happiest. I don't want to listen to anymore negativity, how I am supposed to live my life, and what it is supposed to look like. That is for me to decide. I want my children to remember my laughter, my smile, my kindness, my heart.
There are some things I have started doing recently that have really changed me, and I will continue them because I am happy, and they are still challenging me. I am definitely going to continue lifting weights because I love feeling strong. My body rocks and I am tired of hating it because I am "supposed" to. After all, when I started this blog at 27, I could not do one chin-up, and a whole bunch of setbacks later, I can now do 7 and sets of them at that. I am only going to get better. I am going to embrace my creamy milky skin, my well endowed derrière, the signs of aging that are beginning to creep in, my "imperfections" from bringing life into this world, and every other part of my body that has brought me to where I am.
I have decided I am going to go back to school for my master's so I can become a counselor. I am dealing with this truth, or at least learning how. Something is calling me back in this direction and I really feel this is part of my life's journey.
I am not going to quit on myself, and allow myself to fade into the scenery. I am going to nurture my spirit and allow it space to grow. I no longer want to be afraid of falling asleep at night because I fear I might not wake. I want peace in my heart, and not because I have filled my mind with comforting beliefs, but because I know I am living the life I desire wholeheartedly.
I do not want to wake up at 40 and be angry at 30 year old me for knowing better and being inactive, and I am going to do everything in my control to ensure this does not occur. I want to love my 30s living them comfortably with who I am. So who's coming to my awesome 30th birthday party?