Monday, February 23, 2015

Fearless in My Own Skin

I was serious yesterday in my post about how I hate loathe despise having my picture taken. I know I can not be the only one. The selfie epidemic makes me feel inadequate.  In some ways, left out. I  watch the photo obsessed take pictures of themselves, and shudder with the thoughts of how uncomfortable and awkward I feel about myself. The only thing that trumps the selfie movement, is the ability to tag people in photos. Cruel friends tag me in the most horrendous photos. I quickly untag myself, and make a joke to them about how they must hate me or something, only I am not joking.

I avoid photos every chance I can.

I avoid photo obsessed people, they are not the same as photographers. I in fact, have lots of photographer friends. They are safe. No one wants to work when relaxing and hanging out.

I have cried over bad photos. Some of you can relate. Especially that horrendous school photo that is printed into everyone's yearbook. Permanently.

I had a rude awakening about the detrimental emotional effect of not taking photos. If you have not read about David, do so (gratitude day 10 David) because I mention him almost too much, but only almost, because no one could ever have too much of David's wisdom. After David passed away, and I realized I had never taken a photo with him, after a decade of being friends, it was a tough lesson to learn. I would not have cared what I looked like in that hypothetical photo, I just wish it wasn't hypothetical.

When you have kids they really help you avoid photos because you and everyone else can focus on taking and sharing photos of them. I do not want my kids to wonder where I was during their childhood.

I have even come up with piles of excuses not to have my photo taken. I do think people should be more conscientious and respectful of this, because my goodness people are pushy about photos, but for me it is time to stop avoiding the camera.

I no longer want to be so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I do not want photos of myself to exist. In a youth and beauty obsessed society, it is so hard to feel good enough if we base our value on our appearance. In my opinion this is even worse  for women.  You can never be young enough, thin enough, pretty enough; in essence you will never be perfect enough, and you will constantly be reminded of your imperfections through media, and advertising.

I was also serious in my post when I said I am working on this.

So, as uncomfortable and vulnerable(oh so very vulnerable) I feel about this. I am making a change. This isn't just for me. I do not want to pass any of this baggage, even accidentally onto my children, especially my daughter. So, I am just going to get rid of this baggage.

 As part of my 2015 revamp movement, I am going to start taking more photos of myself, and having more photos taken of me. I will not promise that they will all be as raw as the ones tonight, but I will not photoshop myself into a super model. I do not even know how to do that in the first place. So here is to the start of my own Fearless in My Own Skin Movement. If you are struggling with this as well, feel free to join in, comment and link to your blog, or add photo comments to the Lotus Rock LIfe Facebook Page with the hashtag #Fearlessinmyownskin.

Thank you as always for your support! My heart goes out to everyone else who struggles with taking and having photos taken of themselves. Now is the time for change.

So without anymore chatter.  Here are my selfies. What I look like late at night after hours of taking care of my three littles. No filters. No foundation.  Just me with my hair a little messy, getting ready to work on casts and blog.

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Sunday, February 22, 2015

32 Things

Well, let's make being 32 official.

1. I was born in Mineola N.Y. I used to say 'you guys' when I was small. I've seen home videos and I have heard my New York accent, that is long gone. I sang Bruce Springsteen, my Father worked in the city, and part of my heart lives there still.  I had never heard anyone say Y'all until I met my soon to be Aunt when I was 6. I was mesmerized by this beautiful Southern Woman. I have lived in South Florida the majority of my life. I do not have words for this place and at this point nowhere really feels like home.  It is very transient here, a melting pot stuck in the center of concrete, beaches, humidity, bad drivers, and voting mishaps. It never ceases to be uninteresting though.

2. I was fearless as a child. My parents called me Wild Woman. I used to jump into the bathtub headfirst (that might explain a lot). I work daily at finding that inner wild woman.

3. I am the middle child and the only girl. I don't think I ever felt ignored or any of those typical middle child issues everyone talks about. I wanted to be famous when I was little. I would get all dressed up, sing, dance, and give out "movie kisses" when I was little. I was sort of hard to miss. I also never shut up. I mean even more so than now.

4.    I am pretty free- spirited. Definitely a dreamer. Innovative, and Imaginative. I am not afraid to feel emotions.  I have to bring myself back to reality at times, which can cause me disappointment. I wouldn't change this though because it is what helps my creativity. I was blessed with parents that made me super responsible, disciplined, and hardworking.

5. I  have never been drunk. I have never smoked a cigarette, nor have I been under the influence of illicit drugs. Yeah I know. The addicts in rehab have already told me way too many times how much I am missing out. I think I am crazy enough without any of that. Plus I am pretty sure I am not blessed with the buffer most of you all are, and my body would freak out on me.

7. I am left handed. I grew up before this politically correct movement took over and there might have been one pair of left handed scissors in the classroom, and you would have to share with all the other lefties. That's ok, it is how I met my kindergarten boyfriend. I finally figured out how to cut things straight not too long ago.

8. I have had migraines since before I could talk and have some really interesting medical conditions. I make doctors work for their money, but it isn't something I let define me for too long before I stubbornly keep trekking forward.

9. I love childbirth, pregnancy, babies, breastfeeding, and how amazing the female body is. Motherhood is an amazing journey. Childbirth is truly one of the most powerful things I have ever witnessed, both through my own births, and being present with other women for theirs. It is why I went back to school for my nursing degree. I really want to be a midwife. We shall see what the future has in hold. I think we lose the sacred spiritual process of birth in our westernized litigation happy society. It isn't always rainbows and butterflies, but it is raw and full of so many emotions. Life is such a delicate, beautiful, and amazing gift.

10. I am embarrassed to say I  have never been out of this country, but I chat with people all over the world daily. One day, this will change. I have either been in school, raising kids, or doing both at the same time for all of my adult life.

11. We have hosted exchange students. I will blog about more of that one day. It is definitely an amazing experience.

12.  I really enjoy working out. Like a lot. I have always been doing something : ballet, dance, running, yoga, and now I lift weights. I like working out so much,  it makes me a happier person. My friend mentioned the other day "you are in quite the cheerful sarcastic mood today." To which I replied "I went to the gym, it is like my Prozac."

13. I am not even sure of the name of my favorite color. It is somewhere in the seafoam, aqua, robin's egg blue family.

14. I hate having my picture taken. Loathe. Despise. Social Media makes that even more difficult. Wake up and check FB"You have been tagged." Yeah, you hate me if you do this to me. The whole selfie epidemic. I am working on this issue. In the meantime, when can another one of the other fives senses dominate our lives?

15. I can lick my elbow. I have many other talents, but this one which in no way required any mastery of skill on my part, seems to interest others.

16. I am a little bit of an overachiever academically speaking. I have always worked really hard to do well in school. I spent high school involved in so many academic and extracurricular activities, it is too much to list it all right now. This isn't always a good thing. I spent most of my twenties in school.  I have a BA in Psychology a certificate in Women's Studies and a BS in Nursing School. It was a one year accelerated nursing program. I had to withdraw 7 weeks shy of graduation because of complications with my second pregnancy. I went back and finished that last semester though with straight A's. Yeah, don't do that with 2 kids, 3 and 15 months old. Not smart. Not smart at all. It is sort of like hell actually. I am definitely not done with my education.

17. I think too much. Several years ago, I would have been annoyed if someone had said this, but it is true, I think too much.

18. I have been teaching yoga since I was 17. The first class I taught was  how I met my dear friend David, He was the real teacher. You can read about him here and here. I taught yoga all over the place and have so many stories. I even taught yoga in drug rehabs for 4 years or so.

19. I hate strong smells and dirty fingernails. We all have our things.

20. I have too many hobbies and interests: reading, music, instruments, dancing, crafting, painting... it goes on and on and on. I will never be bored.

21. I make belly casts, in case you missed that.

22. I like making pretty things. Pin all the pretty things. Make all the pretty things.

23. I have strong spiritual beliefs. I am super science minded, but I feel science has its limits and I believe there is so much more to us than our bodies. I have experienced that spiritual connection to another person, and the universe. I can't chalk that up to some chemical phenomenon in my brain. It is one of the most powerful overwhelming experiences.

24. I never close lids tight. Is this a left handed thing, an absentminded thing or should we examine it deeper and say it is a physical manifestation of difficulty finishing things (see thinking too much thing)? Whatever it is, I have learned that it seriously annoys the person I am married to, not calling anyone out here.

25. My taste in music is all over the place. I just really really love music. I always listen to music when I am working out or creating.

26. I have had so many jobs. Crazy ones. So many jobs it is almost concerning, but you have to get through all that college somehow.

27. When I was 21 a painter asked if he could paint me naked. I used to work for a shipping company and he would ship his art through the company. He was extremely talented and gay. He was not hitting on me. My ex-husband would have  had a fit, it is definitely a regret of mine.

28. The Princess Bride has like a cult following with my age group, and I hate that movie. I will always hate that movie because it scared the crap out of me when I was little. That life sucking machine, enough said.

29. I have a thing for dragonflies. It is complicated. They are beautiful. They are very symbolic to me, let's just leave it at that.

30. The story behind my kids' nicknames on my blog. Bean,  my Mother gave him this nickname when he was 6 months old, which was around easter time. He was a very chubby baby. She said he was like a  big round jelly bean, and it stuck ever since. She also gave Tadpole his nickname. My daughter's real middle name is Wren. There is a lot of folklore around the Wren, the 'King of Birds'  After everything I went through pregnant with her, I just felt like she was small yet fierce. She was still thriving in a difficult environment. It simply fit. All of my children's middle names have a lot of meaning behind them.

30. I make up songs for my kids. I have been making up songs since I was quite small. The first song I can remember making up when I was just three went something like this, "I'll be yours if you'll be mine, twinkle babe." I came across a book with short poems in it and it had something similar written in it. Crazy. I would go around singing songs I made up and regular songs on the top of my lungs. Not much has changed, I just do it around my family and no longer in public. My poor family.

31. I have amazing friends and family. I mean really really awesome inspiring incredible people in my life. I am even blessed enough to be the Mother of three of these incredible souls.

32. My biggest fear today is not dying empty enough. Les Brown's quote about the graveyard being the richest place on earth... I am living to die empty.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Birthday Happenings

 For all of you that did not know, it is my birthday today, and I had my blog post for today all planned out for a while. The title of this post is supposed to be 32 things. I was hoping to share 32 things about myself with you today,  all organized in chronological order and everything. But, the day had other plans... imagine that for a mom of three littles (don't worry I will post it when I am finished). 

Today, started out with my boys explaining how sick they felt, and how they simply could not go to school.  I quickly realized it was going to me and all three kids all day. 'Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me'  There went every, and all plans I had for today. 

Those little manipulating dictators, lied

Sure Bean's throat is red and swollen, and Tadpole's been having mysterious tummy aches, but before long they were fighting and running around like crazy, which means they would have been fine at school. 

Don't worry, they are adorable and always redeem themselves. They could not wait to give me my gifts this morning. The boys picked them out and wrapped them all on their own. They are the sweetest. I adore them. See how cute they are! 

These are the gifts Bean wrapped for me. Made my heart melt that he put so much effort into making my birthday special! "There wasn't enough paper, so I had to make the blue line, but it is the same color as the walls in your room, your favorite, so I figured it was OK." I love his explanations. Just writing this makes me want to run into his room and cuddle him. I won't be doing that because he is actually asleep in his own bed tonight, and I still have some of my sanity. 

They really started perking up after presents: fighting, playing video games, needing me to help them with everything.

 Do not worry, I got them back, I took them to the pediatrician. 

Only in retrospect,  I think this became more of a punishment for me. While getting ready to leave and I was going to this pediatrician appointment put together no matter what. Besides it being my birthday, and I refuse to go out of the house being completely frumpy, there is a really great story about this particular doctor we were seeing today, that I will share in the very near future.

 Wren had a dirty diaper but I just needed to do a few more things and then I would change her. Dumb mom decision and every seasoned mom knows this. I was just thinking "one more minute, I am almost done". Naturally she sat down on the tile, and her diaper started to leak out the sides. I will spare you the toddler shit details, let's just say I should  have changed her right away. She then decided she needed to breastfeed, right now, because she was tired.  Of course, she fell asleep for her afternoon nap. Of course I had to interrupt  her nap, because of getting in and out of the car. This always makes for a fun day!

 So when we made it inside the pediatrician's office they were done. Wren was shrieking with excitement, sitting on the floor, drinking from her sippy cup and then spitting her water out of her mouth onto the floor, screaming after I took the cup away, and so on. While she was doing her thing, the boys were bugging me to play games while I was trying to answer the medical assistant's questions (did I mention they had books to read), ask over and over when we would be finished, Tadpole asking when it was his turn because only Bean was being seen, and Bean kept complaining about how hungry he was, even though I told him to eat lunch a million times before we left.

For those of you without kids, this is completely normal. Trust me. 

When we arrived home, I was pleasantly greeted with the aroma of my dog, who had gotten sick to his stomach while we were out, because all 7 pounds of him decided it would be a good idea to eat coconut oil that spilt on the floor earlier. Anyone want a smelly old Yorkie?  

I had to frantically get everything cleaned up because I was not canceling the one thing I had planned for myself for my birthday: my at home haircut. 

Only now my home stunk.

So, for those keeping tabs that was shit surprise twice in one day by different species. 

Rock took all three kids shopping while I got my haircut in peace. It is awesome that he now voluntarily takes all three kids places these days and is so relaxed about it. Now that is serious mom porn. If you  spot him in real life, please, please, please do not tell him how amazed you are he is brave enough to do this. No one tells me that crap when I lug them everywhere.  I have worked really hard training him to think this is completely normal for men, as should the rest of you. Instead, snap a picture and show your husband so if he hasn't already he can join the movement.

 My haircut was such a treat, and my hair looks fabulous! 

 Because there wasn't enough excitement for one day, I started getting a complex migraine. Those are always fun. Suddenly my thoughts are all jumbled and I start feeling really sick, and nothing inside my brain is doing what it is supposed to do properly. It is very similar to a stroke. 

 See all of my awesome gifts?! Bean bought me pearl bracelets because he wanted to buy me jewelry.  He is going to be one awesome husband one day. Tadpole gave me Ollie the Octopus and they both picked out paints for me, a sketchbook, and truffles. I am so blessed. 

Luckily I felt well enough to sit down for cake and craziness with my family. Today, like most of my days was hectic, crazy, and all over the place, but I love every minute of it. I asked Rock for a surprise for my birthday. Well, yesterday was surprisING. He told me my surprise is happening on Friday. I will keep you posted. 

 There simply isn't a better birthday gift, than waking up as the Mom of these three beautiful souls. Happy Birthday to me. Oh, and as my present to all of my readers, I finally removed the CAPTCHA from my comments section. Now it is a lot easier to leave love.                           

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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

What's Holding You Back?

Image Courtesy of Gualberto107 at
When I was 7, I happened to discover I was naturally talented at running.

 In second grade, we all had to participate in the presidential physical fitness test in gym class. Now  I am very determined or as some might describe me, stubborn. So of course, I wanted this award. So one overcast cold day, we all went outside to run the mile. I had on my knockoff keds, because I didn't own athletic sneakers.  I was very coordinated child. I rode a bike at 3, without training wheels and was in dance, but sports, sports I was completely uninterested in sports, and all sports that involve balls to this day.  They leave left-handed me looking like the biggest spaz.

We started to run and I can still remember breathing the cold air in and out of my lungs as I raced my classmates. I came in first. Me? I might have been the most surprised by this. One boy walked up to me and informed me that "I would have beat you, but I did not have my right shoes on today." My first introduction to what happens with the male ego's when a female kicks their ass. I not only beat the entire class, but as a second grader, I was the fastest girl in the entire elementary school, and thus began my running career.

I took being an athletic runner very serious. My body to me was an amazing tool that I used to excel. I competed a lot over the years. I  was not the best, but I did very well and much of my identity was in my running. When I would psyche myself out mentally,  I knew I needed to condition my thoughts. When my body quit on me on the height of my performance ability, I went through a very hard time. I always find my way back to running though.  This long history lesson was to bring you to the point of my blog, and why what I am about to share affected me so much.

I had a dream the other night.

I had a dream I was competing in a 4X4 relay race. For those of you not familiar with track and field, what that means is there are 4 teammates and each member runs around the track for one lap (400 meters), so 4 times around the 400 meter track. I used to run this race. It was the shortest distance I competed in...

I am standing on the track. The crowd is huge. I look down and I notice the track is like a gymnasium floor and I think to myself this is odd, but I don't have much time to focus, because there is a lot of commotion and everyone is staggering into position to start, except they are all facing the wrong way, and I can't figure out why they are planning on running the track clockwise, because you always run counterclockwise on a track. I am nervous. I haven't run in forever. Why am I the lead? That is the position you give to the second fastest team member. You want to start off a race with a nice lead; it encourages your other team members. These thoughts are racing through my head faster than I could ever run if I wanted to. Someone hands me a slippery blue metal cylinder. Oh, the baton. "Hold on to the baton." they shout. Yes, most important part of the relay, do not drop the baton. Switching off is essential to speed and not disqualifying. With a sweaty fist I grab onto that baton with all of my might. Someone shouts over a megaphone  "all runners please turn around, and assume starting position." I think to myself "finally someone around here knows what they are doing." Then the nerves take over. That feeling before a race that I haven't felt in years. Too late to keep focusing because the starting pistol is fired, and I am off.

Only something is wrong.

I am slipping all over the place. What is going on? I can't get a grip. I look down. I hadn't noticed before because I was too distracted by the odd gymnasium floor like track. I have nothing on but socks.


I can't keep up with the other runners.

I am struggling. I am frustrated and so infuriated with these socks.

I know there is no way in hell I forgot my spikes. I know I did not put these socks on like this.

I am sliding and making little progress.

I start to hop and try to take off my socks, and run at the same time, all while holding on to the baton, with a death like grip. I get a sock to slide off. A coach is on the side, yelling at me encouraging me "DON'T GIVE UP. YOU CAN DO THIS. GET THE SOCKS OFF AND KEEP GOING"

I am grabbing and pulling at these socks with everything I have. Everything I am.  I am determined for this to happen. I get the socks off and I start running as fast as I can and I am  barefoot. I am pounding into the ground. The other runners are far ahead of me, but I am angry and I am on fire, and I wake up..

Lying in bed yesterday morning, I was flooded with so many different emotions; grief, frustration, disappointment, sadness.

Those socks.

They were on my mind all day yesterday.

Those socks symbolize so many things for me. I have been working on finishing things lately. It is part of my revamp 2015  project that I have not had the chance to share with you all yet because I have been so busy working on it. Those socks are a huge symbolism for my health issues: I did not put them there, but I am doing everything to rip them off, and run barefoot and free.

What are your socks?

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Thursday, February 12, 2015

Another Conversation in the Car

Image Courtesy of dream designs at

Back to those interesting car conversations. In all honesty, this started at bath time last night, but it continued this morning in the car.

Can you make a heart with your fingers? Bean asks Tadpole and I.

"Like this?" as Bean shows us how to do it

I show him my heart shape with my hands.

"That's a Valentine's Day heart, not the shape of a human heart." states Tadpole

"I know. A human heart looks like this." as Bean makes a fist with his hands

I cleverly pull up images of the human heart on my phone, and show them an illustration. I see an actual human heart in my search results and decide to show them this picture as well. I am very passionate about educating my children about their bodies: how their bodies look, how their bodies function, their health, and their responsibility for their health.

"How did they get that heart out of a person?" asked Bean

"well, there are several ways." I start to explain..

"Are they dead?"Bean interjects

And here come more of those hard questions...

"Well, that depends. Sometimes they remove your heart that is unhealthy and give you a new one."

"Where did they get the new one from?" asks Tadpole

"Sometimes when people die, they can donate their organs and save someone else's life. Then they can take out someone's unhealthy heart, hook them up to a machine that pumps their blood for them, and give them a new heart."

"Oh wow." says wide-eyed Bean

When the machine  is pumping blood for the person, is that blood donated, like why we donate blood or their blood?" Bean asks.

"It is their blood, and they use donated blood ,but donated blood is given to people for many different reasons."

"I don't like when we talk about this stuff." Tadpole interrupts

I think I'll save the cadaver story for another time.

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Sunday, February 8, 2015

It's Never Just Cold Feet

In the beginning, I would dread filling out paperwork because EVERY LEGAL DOCUMENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,  would remind me of  the one mistake I made in my twenties (technically  I was 19),  that would follow me around forever. I wanted to be the person who makes these forms, so they would embarrass everyone else too: Were you the kid that ate paste in Kindergarten? Did you wet the bed? Have you ever slept with a person, and didn't know their name? Are you high right now? Have you ever stolen anything? Have you lied, cheated, acted like a complete asshole for no good reason? Do you litter? Have you ever woken up with your head in the porcelain throne covered in your own urine after a night of one too many drinks?

 Until I am in charge, most forms will not ask you these questions. However, every single legal form I will ever fill out for the rest of my life states: Please list all former names what I felt like they were really asking me was, please share with us all, one of your biggest mistakes. "This shit again."  I thought in my head, as memories came flooding back. I always wanted to fill in witty answers like, his ass made this mistake too, and he doesn't have to fill this part out you sexist patriarchal assholes.

When college started, I didn't go live in a dorm, because I didn't want to be around my incredibly smart friends who would take up partying, getting drunk, rushing, tail-gating, skipping class, and all the other activities freshmen college students take up after being let loose by their overbearing parents. A bit judgmental, don't ya think? However, this is how most of my friends spent their freshmen year in college. I taught yoga and went to class. I actually went to my classes, took notes, and had great grades. I also was introduced to a guy seven years older than myself, in a bar ironically, even though neither of us drank, and I have still never been drunk. Midway through my freshman year in college, I was engaged.

Oh yeah. You read that right, engaged at barely 19.

So, I have never had a really unforgettable night that I can't remember like the ones my friends had. You know, the facebook memes out there, stating how thankful  they are that  instagram, facebook, and twitter did not exist, or weren't like what they are today when they were doing all the crazy things in their college days.

Me, not me, I was going to raise the bar. Instead of all of that,  I married the wrong person, and I am here to tell you folks, it is never just cold feet.

I was with my ex husband for a total of three years. People have fish that live longer than that. We were married for less than two years by the time our divorce was finalized. People have stuff in their freezer longer than that, but because I had made an official mistake that was a legal contract, it would follow me around for the rest of my life.

 Today, I would've been married 12 years. February 8, 2003, 10 days shy of my 20th birthday. It wasn't even legal for me to drink the champagne at my wedding. We had spent an entire year planning a beautiful wedding. All along I had doubts. It was the elephant in the room the entire year. I kept a lot of it to myself. I figured it was normal. After all, this was a huge life event.  Some of my close friends asked questions, which I also thought was normal. We went to couples therapy,  I thought if we worked out issues ahead of time, we would be fine. We went through the Pre-Cana classes(Catholic marriage preparation courses). Secretly, I think I just wanted someone, anyone, to say, "You two are not compatible. This is not a good idea. This isn't either of your faults, I just recommend you both don't get married." It never happened. At least not that blunt.

As I woke up the morning of my wedding,I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach and this mysterious bruise on my chest,  even my body was trying to tell me, "You aren't listening to your intuition." I knew something didn't feel right. That feeling had been there for a while, but I had kept pushing it farther down. I had made this commitment. I had planned a wedding for an entire year and the day was here. He was a good guy. We had bought a home. We were stable. This wasn't some unplanned, young irrational love affair (that wasn't the kind of person I was). I kept reminding myself of all of this. The truth that so many things weren't right was still hovering over me. That pit in your stomach, that unsettling feeling. That feeling is never just cold feet.

Cold feet, I think I now understand where that term comes from. It is the feeling when you are anxious, anxious with excitement about your wedding and marriage. Anxious with the idea of it being a momentous once in a lifetime event. Anxious that you might mess up your vows in front of everyone(if you are a shy person). Anxious that this person you love so much is committing to spending the rest of their life with you. Anxious because you are making a commitment to someone you love so much, but you will have to learn how to love the way they need to be loved over the course of your marriage, even greater, deeper, and more than you know how at this moment. The expression "cold feet" is not in reference to that unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach, that you can't calm no matter what you have tried to do. How do I know this, because I've experienced both.

Our wedding day, like for most couples, was a whirlwind and was over before I knew it. I tried to convince myself everything was fine, and this was going to work, but that unsettling feeling would not leave, no matter what I did. I tried. I tried really hard. I am not sure when it happened, because that feeling was inside for so long,(I was so afraid to let it out), but at some point out it came. I had made a big mistake. I had made a big mistake, and the only way to fix it was to fail. I hate failing. I hate giving up. I am as stubborn as they come. I not only made a mistake, but I was going to have to admit this to myself, to my husband, my family, and my friends. Even if I never went into any detail, the failing of my marriage was enough. It was one of the most difficult life lessons thus far.

I have made peace a long time ago with all of this. I wish I had walked away. If I had listened to that feeling, I would've saved us both a lot of grief. I didn't have the maturity and life experience then to walk away, and call it off. I felt like breaking off an engagement was going back on my word. In hindsight, when I was getting divorced I realized it would've been unsettling and upsetting to break off an engagement, but a million times easier than going through a divorce and being a divorcee at twenty-one.  If you have your doubts, and that feeling in your stomach that something isn't right, something is not right. This applies to everything. Marriage is incredibly hard, and no marriage is perfect, but if there are issues you are concerned about going into your marriage, they will almost always get worse. That unsettling feeling in your stomach will only grow bigger as the permanence of your decision settles in.  I learned a lot from this mistake. I always listen to that feeling in my stomach, and I never chalk that feeling up to nothing, because it always turns out to be something. When you are about to commit yourself to another person for the rest of your life, if you have this pit in your stomach, this feeling something isn't right, doubts that do not settle, do not convince yourself it is just cold feet.

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Thursday, February 5, 2015

When the Sun Burns Out

I drive my kids to and from school every day. The crazy rush in the morning to get myself and three littles out the door with all of their stuff and make it to school on time is always fun. The toddler resisting getting dressed and sometimes continuing to fuss on the way there, the complaints from the older children:  "I don't like this song." "He's touching me again."... You get the picture.  If that was not enough to put you over the edge, there is always the parent drop off/pick-up line, i.e. idiots on parade. Where parents turn into animals, cutting one another off and breaking all traffic laws to get snowflake to and from school.  American parents everywhere have heard this story more than once.

But, this is not what this post is about. If you need something humorous today read the post I wrote the other day(Birthday Wish List ). This post is about something a little different that happens on these car rides.

This morning Bean, who by the way is now 8, and no longer wants to be called Bean (but this is my blog and he has no say here) asks, "Mommy what will happen when the sun burns out"?  "Well Liam when the sun burns out,  scientists believe that it will suck itself in, and then it will expand and start bursting parts of itself out, and destroying everything in its path, including earth."  Bean: "So no life?" "No Bean, no life, but no need to worry about that because scientists have done a lot of research, and they do not expect this to happen for billions of years." Liam: "I don't want to die and go to heaven." Tadpole, "Yeah that sounds terrible." "Well, that will be a long time away, and I will be there waiting for you." Tadpole: "Yea because you are old, and older than us." "Yes, yes I am, and if you get there before me, which I hope never happens, you can show me all around. You know before you were born, you were not here, and you don't spend time worrying about what happened before you were born. A lot of people are afraid of dying, because they don't know what is going to happen." I reach back and touch Tadpoles leg, because at this point I am tearing up a bit and I want to comfort them, and I don't know if I am succeeding at all. "Maybe you were afraid of being born, but look what happened, you entered the world and now you are a part of this amazing family we have. We just have to spend our time on earth loving each other and enjoying our lives." I am really holding back tears I think about all of this. Death is something I have had to think about more often than most people my age, because of my health issues. It is so much harder to deal with when I am thinking about my beautiful children and they are voicing their concerns and fears around death.

We arrive at their school and they get ready to get out. I kiss them both and tell them that I love them
very much and I hope they have a great day learning and having fun. As I drive off, Wren starts to fuss because now she is alone in the car. I  reach back extended my arm as far as I can. She takes her hand and grabs on to my two fingers with all her little might. She just wants to know I am there. She wants to feel my touch. To know that she is safe and loved. As she hold onto my fingers every so often my  hand slips a little from the bumps, and she grabs a little harder to make sure I am not going anywhere.

 I am lost in thought about the conversation I just had with my boys, and the overflowing amount of love I feel as Wren's little hand hold onto mine. My heart is in this car every morning and I love these car rides.  The hectic shuffle stops mattering. Time slows down a little,  everyone's attention is captured, and we have this deep conversations. I realize that the most difficult questions I have ever been asked in my entire life, are not from professors or experts questioning me, but from my small children and with all my might I will do my best to answer them correctly, as honest as I can and as lovingly as I can, because this, this is the best and most important job I have and ever will  sign up for.Pin It

Monday, February 2, 2015

Birthday Wish List

1. Ear filtering device (patent pending) a device that filters out screaming, fighting, whining, and all forms of aberrant complaining. Instead I want to hear child laughter, friendly playing, baby giggles and all things that support my crazy idea of having three children. I suppose it can also filter through true emergencies. Not the type my kids think are emergencies (always while I am nursing the baby to sleep): "Mommy Mommy I NEED YOU, where are you? ""SHHHHHHHHHHHH, I am putting your sister to sleep!" "But it is really important, I NEED daddy I can't beat this level on this game, when is he coming home?" "THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY" "but but but but""GET OUT OF HERE" 
Yeah, none of that, you know what, screw the emergencies altogether. 

2. A freeze gun so that my children immediately stop doing insane things to injure or possibly injure themselves, such as running in the house, trying to pick up their sister, standing upside down on the couch, jumping on the bed, jumping off of things, or my favorite, standing on a ride-on toy to reach the counter and make themselves food without permission while I am tending to their little sister (just last week, I kid you not, and of course he busted his ass). Readers without children under 20 thinking "wow she needs to lighten up."  First time pregnant mothers "she has to be exaggerating" NO, and No (sorry sweetie it's too late for you, and your days are numbered).
3. Bread without the crust. Where did my child even get the idea that the crust could be removed? I  certainly did not teach this picky sensory child of mine this was possible. So the person that sent their kid a sandwich to school without a crust owes me this gift. Get busy, time is running out, because I no longer want to stand in my kitchen wasting my life peeling off  crusts so that he can come home with an uneaten sandwich anyway, "It felt, looked, smelled funny." Starving kids child, there are starving kids! So what is better than sliced bread to this mama, a crustless one. 

4. A no filter doll. Yes please! One that I can take everywhere with me so when people in stores look at me and make obnoxious comments like " You really have your hands full!"  No filter doll will immediately reply with "No shit captain obvious, and unless you are offering help, shut up." One of my favorites, as I walk into the gym after getting all the kids to school and I made it there :"You look tired!" No filter doll: " #$#%#! You must be an a$$hole to say that to a woman with three kids, but my owner isn't as much of a one to tell you that. Get a clue she will probably look tired for the next 20 years and then she will be old. Compliment her, or shut up moron!"

5. Three pairs of ear muffs -to place over my kids ears for no filter doll use. Come on,  you were thinking "What a bad mom she'd let that doll say all of that in front of her children!?" I am one step ahead of you. Trust me, I am really trying to do a somewhat good job at this mothering thing.

5. A clone. What is the point of hiring a babysitter for a break, when you have to work twice as hard to earn that break? Feed the kids early. Bathe the kids. Pump milk. Straighten up the house ( i.e. hide piles of shit). Take a shower. Frantically find an outfit that works. Stop to breastfeed baby. Ruin only outfit you could put together. Frantically clean off spit up from your only outfit because you really have nothing else to wear.  Write down all of the emergency contact info. Straighten up the mess your kids made again while getting ready. Go out exhausted only to come home to children that could not go to sleep without you and are going to be such angels in the morning. NOT.  Hopefully you get the idea. Now imagine a clone. "Hey me, I am going out tonight, it's your turn. See you later sucker!"

6. This Coat.

Because I swear even though I live in South Florida, this coat is absolutely necessary. I'll clean the house in it if that is the only chance I will get to wear it. I will clean my house in this coat and heels if my husband is reading this and that will entice him to buy me this coat  (I swear babe). Seriously I want this coat. 

7. These gorgeous accessories to go with the amazing coat, of course. A woman always needs accessories. 

 8. A one up mom detector. Oh you know you want one too! You know, when you get together with a bunch of moms and that one obnoxious mom that wants to play one up. One up mom: "Does she sleep through the night yet? Me: How old is your little one? One up mom: "oh snowflake is only 6 months, I know it is hard to tell because he is already crawling, saying Mommy, can sign ten signs, and waves bye-bye. He is so advanced." Me: Smile
Me: How is snowflake doing? Wren said bye-bye for the first time the other day, it was so adorable!" One up Mom: "Oh snowflake and I have been working on his trilingual skills for several months now. He knows 25 words in Spanish, English, and Mandarin"You get the idea. So all I want is a handheld device that detects these women right from the start. Avoid. Avoid. One up Mom. Do not initiate conversation.

9. World Peace and the end of all pain and suffering. Well, isn't that what all good people wish for? Seeing as this is the most awesome birthday wish list of all time, I needed to make sure I added this. But, seeing as this is my birthday list, can we start this whole world peace/pain and suffering thing, with curing all of my crazy diseases? I mean it is my birthday, and enough about you, for once I want to talk about me. Me. ME. ME. MEEEE.

10. What I want most though, is a Tardis, so I can slow down time and soak in these amazing years with my children, or go back in time and relive them again. Although the days can seem so long, the months and years fly by. It is crazy how much faster they fly, the busier you are. Being a Mother has truly changed my life for the better. I feel beyond blessed to be surrounded by these three souls. Constantly surrounded. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Literally. From early in the morning, days filled with meals, driving, mommy and me, Cub Scouts, diaper changes, breastfeeding, singing, playing dancing, homework, reading, bathing and more. To waking me up in the middle of the night by standing in front of my face like the kid in The Sixth Sense, as I wait for my oldest son to utter "I see dead people" (that will be the day I die). He even resembles Haley Joel Osment some, so you can only imagine the relief when instead I hear "Can I sleep with you?"  To the milk queen demanding to be breastfed all. night.  long. I said truly blessed and my goodness, I meant it.

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