Monday, February 2, 2015

Birthday Wish List

1. Ear filtering device (patent pending) a device that filters out screaming, fighting, whining, and all forms of aberrant complaining. Instead I want to hear child laughter, friendly playing, baby giggles and all things that support my crazy idea of having three children. I suppose it can also filter through true emergencies. Not the type my kids think are emergencies (always while I am nursing the baby to sleep): "Mommy Mommy I NEED YOU, where are you? ""SHHHHHHHHHHHH, I am putting your sister to sleep!" "But it is really important, I NEED daddy I can't beat this level on this game, when is he coming home?" "THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY" "but but but but""GET OUT OF HERE" 
Yeah, none of that, you know what, screw the emergencies altogether. 

2. A freeze gun so that my children immediately stop doing insane things to injure or possibly injure themselves, such as running in the house, trying to pick up their sister, standing upside down on the couch, jumping on the bed, jumping off of things, or my favorite, standing on a ride-on toy to reach the counter and make themselves food without permission while I am tending to their little sister (just last week, I kid you not, and of course he busted his ass). Readers without children under 20 thinking "wow she needs to lighten up."  First time pregnant mothers "she has to be exaggerating" NO, and No (sorry sweetie it's too late for you, and your days are numbered).
3. Bread without the crust. Where did my child even get the idea that the crust could be removed? I  certainly did not teach this picky sensory child of mine this was possible. So the person that sent their kid a sandwich to school without a crust owes me this gift. Get busy, time is running out, because I no longer want to stand in my kitchen wasting my life peeling off  crusts so that he can come home with an uneaten sandwich anyway, "It felt, looked, smelled funny." Starving kids child, there are starving kids! So what is better than sliced bread to this mama, a crustless one. 

4. A no filter doll. Yes please! One that I can take everywhere with me so when people in stores look at me and make obnoxious comments like " You really have your hands full!"  No filter doll will immediately reply with "No shit captain obvious, and unless you are offering help, shut up." One of my favorites, as I walk into the gym after getting all the kids to school and I made it there :"You look tired!" No filter doll: " #$#%#! You must be an a$$hole to say that to a woman with three kids, but my owner isn't as much of a one to tell you that. Get a clue she will probably look tired for the next 20 years and then she will be old. Compliment her, or shut up moron!"

5. Three pairs of ear muffs -to place over my kids ears for no filter doll use. Come on,  you were thinking "What a bad mom she'd let that doll say all of that in front of her children!?" I am one step ahead of you. Trust me, I am really trying to do a somewhat good job at this mothering thing.

5. A clone. What is the point of hiring a babysitter for a break, when you have to work twice as hard to earn that break? Feed the kids early. Bathe the kids. Pump milk. Straighten up the house ( i.e. hide piles of shit). Take a shower. Frantically find an outfit that works. Stop to breastfeed baby. Ruin only outfit you could put together. Frantically clean off spit up from your only outfit because you really have nothing else to wear.  Write down all of the emergency contact info. Straighten up the mess your kids made again while getting ready. Go out exhausted only to come home to children that could not go to sleep without you and are going to be such angels in the morning. NOT.  Hopefully you get the idea. Now imagine a clone. "Hey me, I am going out tonight, it's your turn. See you later sucker!"

6. This Coat.

Because I swear even though I live in South Florida, this coat is absolutely necessary. I'll clean the house in it if that is the only chance I will get to wear it. I will clean my house in this coat and heels if my husband is reading this and that will entice him to buy me this coat  (I swear babe). Seriously I want this coat. 

7. These gorgeous accessories to go with the amazing coat, of course. A woman always needs accessories. 

 8. A one up mom detector. Oh you know you want one too! You know, when you get together with a bunch of moms and that one obnoxious mom that wants to play one up. One up mom: "Does she sleep through the night yet? Me: How old is your little one? One up mom: "oh snowflake is only 6 months, I know it is hard to tell because he is already crawling, saying Mommy, can sign ten signs, and waves bye-bye. He is so advanced." Me: Smile
Me: How is snowflake doing? Wren said bye-bye for the first time the other day, it was so adorable!" One up Mom: "Oh snowflake and I have been working on his trilingual skills for several months now. He knows 25 words in Spanish, English, and Mandarin"You get the idea. So all I want is a handheld device that detects these women right from the start. Avoid. Avoid. One up Mom. Do not initiate conversation.

9. World Peace and the end of all pain and suffering. Well, isn't that what all good people wish for? Seeing as this is the most awesome birthday wish list of all time, I needed to make sure I added this. But, seeing as this is my birthday list, can we start this whole world peace/pain and suffering thing, with curing all of my crazy diseases? I mean it is my birthday, and enough about you, for once I want to talk about me. Me. ME. ME. MEEEE.

10. What I want most though, is a Tardis, so I can slow down time and soak in these amazing years with my children, or go back in time and relive them again. Although the days can seem so long, the months and years fly by. It is crazy how much faster they fly, the busier you are. Being a Mother has truly changed my life for the better. I feel beyond blessed to be surrounded by these three souls. Constantly surrounded. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Literally. From early in the morning, days filled with meals, driving, mommy and me, Cub Scouts, diaper changes, breastfeeding, singing, playing dancing, homework, reading, bathing and more. To waking me up in the middle of the night by standing in front of my face like the kid in The Sixth Sense, as I wait for my oldest son to utter "I see dead people" (that will be the day I die). He even resembles Haley Joel Osment some, so you can only imagine the relief when instead I hear "Can I sleep with you?"  To the milk queen demanding to be breastfed all. night.  long. I said truly blessed and my goodness, I meant it.

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