I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like bumming out everyone and writing about how I feel like shit today and can't focus. I can't focus because I don't feel well and writing is hard when I feel like this. But, I don't want to close my computer and find out the last post I wrote was almost a year ago. So I am writing.
I am in some pain today but what I am feeling is a lot of strange neurological sensations. Pain, pain I am used to. Pain doesn't scare me. I have had migraines since I was three, and pain is just another part of my life. Everything has it's positive side. The pain tolerance I have, made it so that I did not fear the pain of giving birth. Experiencing all three of my children being born, made all the pain worth it. I always felt like "well at least with this pain, I get a present at the end." When a migraine is over all I get is a migraine hangover. Some women have babies with no pain, I have seen it, and in my next lifetime, I want to be you. The body I was blessed with, does a lot of pain, and other bizarre things.
The neuropathy, exhaustion, weird sensations that is another story. I am drained and tired. Several people told me how good I was looking today, I said thank you, but truthfully I don't care what I look like today, I just want to feel good. That is the curse of chronic illness, it can be invisible to the observer. The things my body does from time to time, give me anxiety, as I am still waiting on the cause to be determined. It was such a relief when I was sick this pregnancy and the obstetrician said to me "It's ok to be anxious right now. I am anxious about you. Who wouldn't be anxious with what is going on?" He gave me permission and space and I needed that. He has empathy and that can be hard to find in health care. The blessing of all of my health issues, is that it has given me a great deal of empathy as well. This is the empathy I take with me as a doula, yoga instructor, mother, when I was a nursing student, and when I fulfill my dream of becoming a midwife, I know my empathy will follow me.
The obstetrician my midwife took me to, also said something to me that brought forth a great reality. He told me while I was pregnant with Wren
"Something is obviously wrong, and what that is, I do not know (not his speciality, because in obstetrics he is awesome), but you need to find a doctor that goes above and beyond. The kind of doctor that in medical school, already knew they had an A on the exam, but had to answer question 50 right, because that doctor wanted all the answers right. You, are question 50 and you haven't found the doctor who cares enough to figure it out."
I believe in life, pieces slowly come together, and sometimes you have to be patient. After my encounter with that obstetrician, I met another health care provider, who gave me the name of a neurologist and I believe I have finally found this doctor. When I met him last month, he said to me. "I have seen you before, you are a complicated case, but you are going to get better. How much better, I can't say, but better" I never knew how much those words would mean to me until someone spoke them to me and tears streamed down my face. So now all of the testing and waiting, but the answer is there. I am certain, and at this point, no matter what it is, I just want to know. The knowing will bring me peace. So hopefully this is the last set of lots of testing for a really long time.
I went for extensive blood work yesterday. Fasting labs, which isn't exactly fun when you are nursing your baby all night. Today I had more allergy testing to figure out what is causing my bronchospasms, and well, it has been an exhausting week. So that is where I am today, and if you read all of that, thank you for giving me the space to just be me today. Hopefully, I will be feeling better and can finish some more of the posts I have been working on and share some things a little more upbeat with you.Pin It