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I used to think my Grandmother had lost her mind when she started repeating something she had already told me or when she went running around the house searching and asking everyone "Have you seen my glasses? They're on top of your head Grandma. "Oh (insert profanity here)....."
You are probably visualizing an old woman, but she was not old at all. She was in her early sixties. The child me, just thought she was old and crazy.
Now, I realize it had nothing to do with her losing her mind because of age, and everything to do with motherhood.
Yes, motherhood. It is the end all of ever making sense again.
She had six children and that is why she repeats things, and that is why she forgets where she put everything. Years of sleep deprivation, multitasking, forgetting what you were doing because of all the interruptions, and repeating and repeating, and... repeating yourself, because no one is listening.
You always think you are doing better than the women before you. Like somehow you will never do the things your mother, your grandmother, or any other mother on this planet did that made them look ridiculous.
Well, with how sick I have been we have had a lot of house guests, and my Aunt was here for a week helping me out. She mentioned how it was cute that Bean doesn't just say yeah when he sees you are getting something he is explaining, but instead says yeah- yeah- yeah -yeah -yeah like it is one long word spoken as quickly as possible.
Fast forward a week later, and my mother is here and I am repeating what my Aunt said about Bean to her, and she says to me. "You know why he does that right?" No. "Because you do it all the time."
I look at her perplexed. I have "perfect" self-awareness. What the hell is she talking about?
Now, thanks to their observations, I am annoying myself.
It's sleep deprivation dammit!
I swear it is.
My brain can't keep up with their actions. I repeat myself over and over.
Just today, Bean was across the street about to open up someone's garbage can to see what they were throwing away. I was holding the baby trying to calm her, as the boys rode their bikes. I looked up and see his hands about to touch this disgusting garbage can.
I couldn't even form words. That was all that came spewing out of my mouth a hundred miles an hour.
Then the brain starts to form sentences, "That is dirty, and not ours!"
So I catch myself all day long, "No-no-no-no-no-no-no like an auctioneer only my salary consists of being handed boogers and other unmentionable things.
"Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait" when there is something I still need to say but I can't even remember what that is and I need to think.
I can't even process what I am seeing fast enough, to have anything that makes sense come out of my mouth. I am really just trying to juggle breastfeeding while reading over homework assignments while preventing my children from hurting themselves or others.
Or "yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah" When I am listening, agreeing, or suggesting something
Oh, and while we are on the subject of crazy shit my grandmother did, now I too have been cursed with this motherhood disease, because I am constantly looking for the shit I just had in my hand. Sometimes I can't even remember what that shit is, what I was doing with said shit, or why I even want to find said shit, but dammit I need that shit and I need to find it now, because it was probably very very very important shit.
There isn't anything wrong with my brain.
Let me sleep.
Let me sit and think for a moment, and I might form a functioning sentence. After a decade or two of this, I might not have any brain cells left, but I swear currently there are still some floating around in there.
"Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I am coming just let me finish this post first...
"what the hell was I going to tell you all about?"