I suppose I started yoga at such a young age, that I am not able to fully realize the impact it has had on me. I remember a lesson a teacher was trying to get across that peace and happiness come from within. That you should be able to sit in the middle of Time Square and go inside and practice yoga and not be distracted. I got the point but it went in and out with the thought, "Lucky me, I don't live in NYC"
Then I had Bean, my fire dog with red hair (fitting for his spirited personality), and I wish I had really listened and absorbed the Time Square lesson. I remember when he was a baby screaming inconsolably because of what I later discovered was food sensitivities from my diet and I couldn't think of anything else to do to console him. This article I had read as a psych student popped in my head about babies recognizing familiar sounds and songs they heard in utero. I tried shushing him like womb sounds, rocking, swaddling, singing my favorite songs, EVERYTHING. When all failed I thought "What ELSE was there? A desperate new mother in the dark in the middle of the night.
"AAHHHHHH YOGA CLASS!!!" I taught yoga up until I was 38 weeks pregnant and so standing in the dark I started reciting a yoga class to him "Inhaaaale and Exxxhaaaaaaale" thinking my sleep deprived brain was really losing it. To my surprise it worked. He became quiet, and drifted into a peaceful sleep. "He is going to be my little yogi!" I excitedly started thinking.
I did yoga with Bean as a baby
I naively thought this peaceful yogic house was just going to continue. As I became more familiar with being a parent to a toddler, I realized that my house was rarely if ever going to be quiet again. In fact another child later, there are times I would rather practice yoga in Time Square.
I thought about this today as I was getting ready to take my children to an Easter egg hunt and the chaos just wouldn't stop. I swear I could hear my door laughing at me " You are never getting out of here." I continued, determined that I was not going to be running on mommy time today. diaper change. dry hair. potty time. change clothes. get myself dressed. change another diaper. crying baby. get myself undressed and breastfeed. get dressed again. pack snacks. find keys. phone rings. Liam crying and screaming just because. You get the idea if you are a parent and have ever done this alone.
This morning was even more eventful. Tadpole managed to crawl under my bed and was screaming his head off. I pulled him out, but the crying just wouldn't stop. Breastfeeding this time was not the answer and I didn't have time to figure it out. I really needed to leave. "Bean pleeasssee play with your brother."
"Ooh go get him one of his toys that he likes."
"Give him a kiss he is really sad."
I am now yelling "BEAN PLEASE JUST ENTERTAIN YOUR BROTHER OR WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE BECAUSE I CAN'T FINISH GETTING READY AND YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOUR MAMA NO!!!!!!!" ( A 3 year old understands this haha and now I am embarrassed but not at that moment)
The yogini Mama has lost it. I feel bad. I want to know, What happened to that peaceful place? "Oh yeah" I hear this voice, "peace is supposed to come from within." Well what if I can't even hear that peace within anymore??? Then what? Where was the lesson in all those yoga books about when the only sounds you hear are your uncooperative 3 year old telling you NO! and your baby screaming and your going crazy because at that moment there is nothing you can do about it? Find me the peace in all of that!
I finally make it to the car and Tadpole with all his 25 pound might is refusing to sit in his carseat. I get them buckled in and the car turned on. Now this is the one place I refuse to give up my peace. Recently, Bean has begun to tell me to turn my music off, but I refuse. I am not budging on this one, not yet. I turn up Snatam Kaur and her amazing peaceful wonder and I am in spiritual bliss.
Aad Gurey Nameh
Jugaad Guray Nameh
Sat Guray Nameh
Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh
Tadpole is soothed to sleep. He loves this stuff (remember that utero article above, used that idea this time).
and then from the backseat I hear Bean, " Mommy I want to sing too." "Nameh Nameh Nameh Nameh "
If anyone was witnessing this event, they would see a smile sweep across my face, as my soul filled up with happiness. I realize that regardless of the moments when I completely lose it, I need to forgive myself because I am aware and working on it, and because yogic ways are still reaching my children. Maybe when they are parents of small children they will be able to hold on to that peace inside of them when their house has turned into total chaos. For now, this yogini Mama can once again take a deep breath, find her peace, and not care that we are 15 minutes late because there is no other place I want to be right now than in this car with my boys.
So I continue to blog daily, I am going to add two things to my blog.
1. My daily running and pull-up progress- today was a resting day
2. Daily Gratitude entries
* Snatam Kaur
* Tadpole and his watermelon discovery
* Bean demanding " Mommy give me a big hug!" " Mommy give me a big kiss!"
* Easter egg hunt